the e to the m to the me

If you can find, Chet Baker's, Ann Wonderful One, on cd buy the album if only for that song which is a great companion for when you may be feeling sad. Sadness not to be confused with depression, is reflective, contemplative, gentle and deeply personal, who knows what brings it on but this Sunday it arrived at my door and I welcomed it in, like an old friend whom I hadn't seen for an age.

I have had this urge for an ounce of solitude for a little while now but the month simply hasn't afforded me that luxury, its been one of those month's that has felt like it has lasted slightly longer than the 31 days on the calendar.

My sadness is not office bound, my office personae is professional and moderate, it's not the hardest thing for me to divorce, personal is private and work is work and public, the two I seldom mix. And anyway my work personae is much more vain, it requires anti-aging creams and a 100% carrot juice daily in order for me to look and feel good while dealing with some of the bluntest tools in the shed.

But this evening I have my Chet Baker playing and I am thinking about a person, who I had certain hopes for and who is blossoming but circumstances are conspiring against me, and no matter how I wish it, it ain't gonna happen - and I am momentarily and unreservedly simply sadden by the outcome, although my imagination continues to see a different reality and that little voice doggedly whispers that, "you will …that…"

On Sunday night the last thing that I did as I waited for Monday to arrive was watch an episode of the second series of Northern Exposure, which continues to be absolutely brilliant. In this episode Ed together with a 'spirit come elder' sets out in search of his parents who left him behind as a baby and even though the spirit who has assisted on many of life's searches can't help Ed find the answer, he does however tell him to keep his eye on the road and that the answer will come.

I, like Ed, remain hopeful in the knowledge that my sadness will depart even if we don't find a resolution to my conundrum but that the reality I imagine will come.

Later tonight in an endeavour to snap out of this little funk I intend watching some football with my good friend Ben (Oswest) who will be reading tomorrow at 18h00 (Baobab Books, Baobab Mall, 210 Long Street). Will it be about pathos, longing, work or football? I don't know? I guess you just have to get down to the venue to find out for yourself.

Happy trick aah treating.